UnknownAre we ever a victim, or is it just a perception and belief we hold about ourselves?

We do not have to carry the stories other people have of us. Their stories or beliefs about us are their business. It is okay to acknowledge someone’s behaviour as being disrespectful or abusive. It is right, to stand up and say, “That’s not OK” or even to walk away from a person forever, but we can choose not to be their victim. We can hand a person back the responsibility and accountability for their behavior. This can feel like, freeing ourselves from being entangled in another person’s energy. If, we react like we are being victimised, we give our power away and the conflict goes on, back and forth both parties trapped in a continual pattern.

The infamous Shaman, Carlos Castaneda said, “All we need is Awareness and Humour.” Awareness, is noticing how we are reacting to another person; the feelings that arise, the thoughts and beliefs we carry about ourselves and the other person. Humour, is to notice how absurdly pointless it is to defend, explain or justify ourselves. Why bother? It is boring, exhausting and frankly, if we did not identify ourselves as a victim we might just smile, shrug our shoulders and go have a nice cup of tea, instead of arguing back.

Bruce Scott, author of ‘Being Real, an ongoing decision’ says, “If someone is ranting at you, lost in their own story of you, DON’T listen for any more than 2 minutes, tell the person to STOP and speak to you with respect if their want to have a conversation with you OR just make any excuse and leave…there’ll be nothing worth hearing anyway”

Maybe, the next time we are listening to someone being verbally abusive, criticising or judging us we could, in our minds, change the word “You” to “That donkey down the road”. So, instead of hearing “Why aren’t YOU more like your sister!”  You would hear, “Why isn’t that donkey down the road, more like your sister”. This, might be a way to help us detach from someone else’s story of us or at least it will make us laugh so hard, the other person will give up, thinking we are slightly insane. Maybe, being slightly insane or crazy is the way to free ourselves from the madness of the every day and all our entanglements.



3 thoughts on “Are we ever really a victim?

  1. LOL. I love this. I hope I can remember to change “you” to “that donkey down the road,” in the heat of the moment. As I am “guilty” of being both ranter and rantee (apparently not a word but I like it), I wonder if changing the words would also work for the ranter?

    I have to say that I find it infuriating to have someone walk away – not hear me – when I am ranting. In fact, not feeling heard is the number one thing that propels me into rant-mode in the first place! (You’re not hearing me? I’ll turn up my volume!)

    We are all just asses going round and round in this cycle of ranter and rantee. Hee-haw!

    The words “abuse”, “abuser” and “abused” are very strong (loaded) and I think if we choose not to perceive ourselves as “victim” we can also choose not to perceive the other as “abuser”.

    Having said all this, I do think that “victim” gets bad press and is seen as weak/pathetic/asking for it etc etc. There are true victims and they need to have their wounds seen and validated before they can move on from feeling hurt. We re-victimize people by seeing victims in this negative way. Even calling ourselves a victim is a way of self-abuse! We use that word as an insult.

    But I know this blog post was not about that.

    Thanks for re-posting this, it’s got me thinking!


    1. Thank you Cathy for your feedback. You are right, we could drop all “labels” and “Roles” such as Victim and Abuser as language is powerful. Instead, we could accept that we are both of these at times. As for being heard, that is so very important. You have inspired me for my next blog post, thank you.

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