photoNo, one person can fulfil all the needs of another. So, why as parents do we believe, we can and should?  I will never be able to meet ALL my children’s needs and of course, it is not actually my job to do so because if I did, they would never want to connect with anyone else in the world. Also, sometimes parents are not to blame for their children’s “bad” choices. Some children become addicted to drugs even though they come from a loving family.   I am getting very tired of reading books, watching interviews and listening to “Experts” telling me I am to blame for all my children’s issues.  Sure, parents have an integral part to play in influencing their children while growing up, but we are not the only influences. Children have their own unique personalities they bring to the world.  Ask any parent who has more than one child and they will confirm, each child is different. This uniqueness happens right from the moment they are born, no two babies act the same. This is why it is a futile exercise to listen to or practice, any one method of parenting style, it just does not work, how can it when not only is every child different, but every stage of their development is different and you never know what is coming.

It seems the only real guidance we can rely on when it comes to parenting comes from experience, our own and that of other parents.   Some children are really “Wild” when they are young, but when they hit their teens they became calmer, like they have got it all out of their system….with some children it is the opposite, a dreamy “Good child” becomes an moody, apathetic teenager.    Yes, there are times when a certain event can be pin pointed to coincide with the change in the child’s behaviour, but sometimes it just happens.   And, even if there is an event, a sibling being born and being seen as a threat to having to share the parents love and attention or a move to a new school or home because of a parent’s job….this is life!  We can not protect them from everything.   We can be understanding and loving, BUT maybe we should be careful not to support a child’s idea of them self as a victim of life.    We can do this by not carrying guilt ourselves, by not taking our children’s behaviour personally (hard I know) and trusting that they are working through their own process.

When we fully detach ourselves from the belief that we are responsible for our children’s happiness, we set ourselves and our children free.   We can do what we can in every moment to create an environment and relationship with our children in which contentment and happiness may flourish, but we can not actually MAKE anyone be happy.

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One thought on “When Parents Aren’t To Blame

  1. What if our children really are reflections of ourselves, especially the parts of ourselves that we are not aware of? What if no one is to blame for anything? I can blame myself or someone else if I want to, yet blame is not the point, or very satisfying.

    Instead of seeing myself as a parent, I see myself as Bruce who gets to be with the little people in his life, little people that can bring out the play in me that I once had as a little person.

    I can’t prove any of this, but I kinda believe myself anyway, I used to play, respond to kindness, feel sad when spoken to in mean ways, and sing, dance and run around when no one was judging me, or telling me I was wrong for something.

    Even then, I only stopped while being judged, then found a way to continue playing and being kind to other little people, even big people. I didn’t expect the adults in my life, (often called parents), to “parent” me. I expected them to be kind, to laugh, to tell me stories, to put me to bed sometimes, to make some interesting food from candy, to sometimes read to me.

    I didn’t see them as “parents.” That word sounds to business like, to diagnostic, too something. I happened to call the adults in my life mommy, and daddy. I called my uncle, Solly. I called my dog, “Puppy.”

    Only the school asked for my parents to sign stuff. I just asked my mum and dad to sign stuff, sometimes asking them to sign things I had needed to alter a bit.

    Maybe parenting gets in the way of being.

    Bruce Scott (a dad/father/and wonderer)

    Date: Mon, 26 May 2014 21:15:21 +0000 To: scott_bruce@hotmail.com

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